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Visa fullständig version : Chuck Norris


Trance
2005-12-17, 02:42
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

mini_Arnold
2005-12-17, 06:01
"Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean." :laugh:

Fuck Norris :hbang:

Jarod
2005-12-17, 06:30
Faan va jag garvar!! :laugh:

tossefar
2005-12-17, 06:34
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


Haha så jäkla bra :bow:

blasr
2005-12-17, 08:07
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Fredszky
2005-12-17, 08:10
vår vän chuck norris!
kul läsning :)
http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/B000063WJV.03.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

Fredszky
2005-12-17, 08:12
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

MasterChief
2005-12-17, 08:16
Jag vill nog hävda att ovanstående åsikter om Chuck Norris är underdrifter.

MUGEN
2005-12-17, 08:17
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. :cheers:

Herkulez
2005-12-17, 08:22
"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried."


lol så hååååårt :D

palme
2005-12-17, 08:26
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Hehe :D

skaparn
2005-12-17, 09:03
Jag hittade ett par jeansbyxor.

CN karate jeans (http://buzz.bazooka.se/pics/?file=ChuckNorrisKarateJeans.jpg)

HookersUnited
2005-12-17, 13:19
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

:laugh:

rememberence
2005-12-17, 13:26
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

haha :D

Kaboffastar
2005-12-17, 13:30
Chuck Norris starts his day with a bowl of oatmeal, some pancakes and a glass of fresh squeezed Nazi juice.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O'Brien to death with his own tie. When police questioned him he stated, "It was a wardrobe malfunction, officer." They then said thats what we thought and proceeded to savagly beat Conan O'Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris' good name.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a waitress because his steak didn't have a beard.

Chuck Norris framed OJ.

Chuck Norris' beard is the hardest substance known to man, followed closely by Chuck Norris' flexed biceps.

Chuck Norris once scored 100 points in an NBA game. He was just wearing his 7-foot-tall black man outfit that he calls "Wilt Chamberlain".

They say Jesus was conceived immaculately because there are no words beautiful enough to describe Chuck Norris having sex.

A masked man once stabbed Chuck Norris in the alley behind a children's hospital. The knife bled to death.

Chuck Norris once made the greatest movie of all time. Ebert gave it thumbs up, but Siskel, angry at Norris for being so much more awesome than himself, gave it thumbs down. He soon after died of a roundhouse-kick related heart attack. Ebert remains alive, and "Sidekicks" remains the single greatest achievement in cinematic history.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

In the year 2010, Chuck Norris' beard will be declared the 51st state.

Chuck Norris must've been a pretty strong baby to climb out of the abortion bin.

Chuck Norris can kill you just by thinking about you. When people die suddenly in their sleep, the medical term is "DBN" (Death By Norris).

Chuck Norris killed a man, used his powers to bring him back to life, and killed him again. Now thats justice.

On August 17, 1993, Nolan Ryan introduced himself to Chuck Norris as "Ryan: Texas Ranger". On August 17, 2008, Nolan Ryan will die. If Chuck Norris respects you, he'll give you fifteen more years.

Chuck Norris created six extra letters of the alphabet that no one but Chuck Norris know about

Chuck Norris has never found Waldo, but vows to kick his ass when he does.

Chuck Norris ended the Civil War with a massive roundhouse kick the he referred to as the Emancipation Proclamation.

Chuck Norris wanted to be the "voice of God" in the movie "Dogma", but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny's on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.

Chuck Norris loves cute little puppies. He especially loves them on rye with some pepper jack and a dash of paprika.

Chuck Norris invented the atmosphere for the sole purpose of having something to roundhouse kick people out of.

Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".

Tornados are not caused by sudden changes in weather, but rather, a sudden roundhouse by Chuck Norris.

By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.

If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "Don't come near me mother fucker or I'll roundhouse kick the shit out of you." The phrase has since been changed to, "Don't mess with Texas."

The role of Willy Wonka in the remake of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' was originally offered to Chuck Norris. However, he backed out of the project after the producers rejected his idea of a final fight scene with Charlie in which most of the cast dies.

Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.

Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer by kicking the air.

Chuck Norris' left testicle was declared The Milky Way's tenth planet in 1978. His right testicle remains the Duke of The Thirteenth Republic of South Greenwich.

The sound of Chuck Norris scratching his beard makes angels weep.

Chuck Norris once fed a starving Ethiopian boy a 12 course meal, then promptly sacrificed the boy to Satan in an effort to boost the ratings of Walker Texas Ranger.

Jesus Christ is Chuck Norris' stunt double.

The commercial says that after taking Viagra, if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, you should see a doctor. Chuck Norris was too embarassed to go to the doctor, so he instead roundhouse kicked his own penis off and it became what is now known as Pikes Peak.

As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing "Hammer Time!" under every stop sign in the universe.

Chuck Norris is known to have ate a puppy just because he didn't have anything else around to chase his hard liquor.

Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

Christopher Walken kept a watch up his ass for 4 years. Chuck Norris kept Christopher Walken up his ass for 12.

There are two kinds of men in the world: Men who have had sex with Chuck Norris and men who want to have sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was taking and evening stroll in a local neighborhood when a mountain spring water truck slammed in to a retarded child playing in the street. Chuck Norris rushed to the scene, destroyed the driver, and resurrected the child making him normal again. This event is celebrated as a show on TV called Captian Planet.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth was assassinated by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris blew up the Challenger space shuttle. When asked why he said, "I've never left a challenger alive."

Chuck Norris is how the West was won.

Chuck has 5 letters. Norris has 6. When placed together we get 56. 1956 was the year of the first airborn nuclear test. Coincidence? I think not.

myggan
2005-12-17, 13:40
haha orka :laugh:

beckman88
2005-12-17, 13:49
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

HAhahah fy fan vad kul läsning :laugh:

myggan
2005-12-17, 13:58
Chuck Norris wanted to be the "voice of God" in the movie "Dogma", but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny's on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.

så långsökt :D

Frantic
2005-12-17, 13:58
Jag har haft några av de där i min signatur ett tag:D

Här kommer det lite mer:

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

To attain inner peace, VChukc Norris eats Buddhists

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norrisl can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the look are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Gabriel_
2005-12-17, 14:30
någon som har sett en video med massa nakna asiatiska män som dansar erotiskt och plötsligt ifrån ingenstans så kommer en snubbe som är så jäääävla lik chuck norris fram och äger dansgolvet..

om någon har länk , GEME

Perscitus
2005-12-17, 14:42
någon som har sett en video med massa nakna asiatiska män som dansar erotiskt och plötsligt ifrån ingenstans så kommer en snubbe som är så jäääävla lik chuck norris fram och äger dansgolvet..

om någon har länk , GEME

Vet vilken du menar, mycket rolig film om man inte är homofob. :laugh: Du menar han som har långt hår, massa halsband och ser ut som en hippie? Tror den fanns på exet.nu, men akta dig för mycket annat som finns där. *screwy*

Gabriel_
2005-12-17, 14:45
Vet vilken du menar, mycket rolig film om man inte är homofob. :laugh: Du menar han som har långt hår, massa halsband och ser ut som en hippie? Tror den fanns på exet.nu, men akta dig för mycket annat som finns där. *screwy*

haha jaaa.. så jävla uuunderbar! musiken, dansen, chuch norris.. ahhh

Fartman
2005-12-17, 17:35
Jag hittade ett par jeansbyxor.

CN karate jeans (http://buzz.bazooka.se/pics/?file=ChuckNorrisKarateJeans.jpg)

Chuck utan skägg, det är så fel. :(

Hnke
2005-12-17, 17:39
Allvar alltså.. jag skrattar mig snart till döds!

muddler
2005-12-17, 17:43
hahahaha fan otroligt kul! best of! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Edit: det var så jävla bra så jag stavade fel

ErikWrestlingFreaket
2005-12-17, 22:23
FAn Chuck Norris är kult

egge
2005-12-17, 23:11
Chuck has 5 letters. Norris has 6. When placed together we get 56. 1956 was the year of the first airborn nuclear test. Coincidence? I think not.

:D

Krampus
2005-12-17, 23:17
Kult! :hbang:

Hobbes
2005-12-17, 23:32
If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel..??????????? Tranformerades Chuck till Vin diesel mitt upp i allt *grr27* ;) :D

Frantic
2005-12-18, 08:19
haha nä det var blandade citat om Chuck och Vin och jag måste ha fått med ett om Vin:D Tror det finns ett par om Arnold också som är riktigt roliga!

Hobbes
2005-12-18, 10:11
haha nä det var blandade citat om Chuck och Vin och jag måste ha fått med ett om Vin:D Tror det finns ett par om Arnold också som är riktigt roliga!

Kunde inte låta bli.... :D

Japp, då hade man ett nytt google nöje att leta sådana här listor!

Gabriel_
2005-12-19, 15:52
någon som har sett en video med massa nakna asiatiska män som dansar erotiskt och plötsligt ifrån ingenstans så kommer en snubbe som är så jäääävla lik chuck norris fram och äger dansgolvet..

om någon har länk , GEME

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2669546?showw=no&refsite=6721&htv=12&htv=12

hahahahahaha... vid 1.02 fyfan va CHEF han är!

*varning massa nakna killar som dansar erotiskt*

Gabriel_
2005-12-19, 15:57
på tal om avatar texter.. jag önskar mig "chuck norris wannabe"

jogustaf
2005-12-20, 09:54
Hahaha... Jag måste lära mig många av dessa. Dom måste ju funka om man ska ragga på krogen... :-)

henke1001
2005-12-21, 00:47
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Haha så jävla hårt.